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Life of Crime, The Woolshed

You’re seriously questioning Delilah’s choice of celebrant when someone rips off the sack, leaving you gasping like a floundering flathead. You’re standing next to a colossal seven-tiered chocolate fountain in the paved outdoor area adjacent to the Woolshed functions building. Talk about centrepiece overkill.

Flanking the bubbling fountain on every side are large round tables bedecked in pristine white. Purple ribbons bound linen-covered chairs and flutter in the breeze, waiting for a wedding reception you’re sure is never going to happen. Luigi and his camaraderies surround you, each wearing a sick grin. Fedora steps forward.

“Perfect,” he says, assessing you closely. “Our fence could use another set of hands, now that Phil’s abandoned ship.”

What’s he talking about? You’re not here to repair railings. You can barely bear rings properly.

“Yes, it’s important to keep things fresh,” Luigi, adds. “I think you’ll develop a real taste for our lucrative little operation; jewellery acquisitioning and reapportion, I like to call it, sharing the love, if you will. You wouldn’t believe how easy it is to dupe dopy wedding guests out of their riches.”

He signals for the others. They grab you; turn you upside, and holding you by the ankles, dunk you head first into the fountain of chocolate, which wouldn’t be so bad if you were a giant strawberry in a Master Chef challenge. You squirm in vain, barely able to breathe until your memory melts beyond recognition and you concede to join their petty wedding crime ring. Perhaps Luigi is right; a life of crime might beat crying in the chapel. At least then, you wouldn’t have to listen to any more Elvis songs.



The thought of performing Elvis classics makes you want to heave. You’d rather channel your creative prowess into photography, capturing as many memories as you can to turn into a photo-book for Delilah. It might be the best keepsake she gets of her Sanctuary Cove wedding. Take a photo of yourself at each location, and then upload it to Facebook/Twitter using #StoryCity.